As a Doxa therapist working with couples, Allen Shive, often hears statements like, “we have drifted apart, we need to communicate better, we feel more like roommates.” The word intimacy is not typically used to describe what the couple feels like they are missing, because intimacy often is used to mean sexual intimacy. While sex is an important part of intimacy, in this article Allen considers intimacy as a combination of the overall emotional, physical (sexual and non-sexual), intellectual, spiritual, and recreational components of connection in marriage.
“I want to emphasize that as a therapist who is a Christian, I want marriages to succeed. I believe in the covenant of marriage. I do not believe that the main purpose of marriage is to get all our needs met. Yet there is Biblical and psychological evidence that when a married couple is purposeful about meeting the needs of their spouse, marriages thrive in a way that does not happen when there is lack of intention or even neglect in meeting their spouse’s needs.
Intimacy means ‘into-me-see’. It is a blending of our heart with another’s, so we can ‘see into’ who they really are, and they can ‘see into’ us. Being intimate involves the mixing of our life with another’s, a mingling of souls, a sharing of hearts. This is something we all long for because it’s how God made us. We were designed to connect.” 1 Paul spells this out clearly in Ephesians 5:21-33. This article is not designed to interpret this passage but instead to point to one example where scripture says that husbands and wives should both focus effort and energy on serving their spouse. Verse 21 says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. In considering everything the Bible says about marriage, it is hard to make the argument that God does not intend for each spouse to work intentionally and diligently to serve their spouse, which includes meeting a spouse’s needs.
I recently read a research study that caused me to pause and more fully consider the implication of both people in a marriage focusing servant-like effort and energy to meet their spouse’s needs as a central factor in whether marriage intimacy increases or decreases. The study asked the following question:
Is marital intimacy influenced by reciprocity in meeting a partner’s temperament needs?
Let me put that in English – is having a close/connected/safe/compassion filled marriage influenced by both spouses being willing to work/grow/learn (over time) to meet the hard-wired, God given needs of their partner?
If you are a bottom line person, the answer to the question being asked in the study is a resounding yes! If you want marital intimacy to increase, your marriage needs to be one in which both partners reciprocate trying to meet each other’s temperament needs. Perception of the willingness of your spouse to meet these needs also plays a vital role in whether marital intimacy increases or decreases.
The author is absolutely not suggesting that every need be met all the time by a person’s spouse. This is unrealistic and Biblically and psychologically not valid. Instead, the study researches and concludes how important it is for a couple to focus on meeting each other’s needs in a way where both spouses experience the willingness of their partner to care for them.
To make all of this more clear, let me define the important terms, starting with the focus of the study – intimacy:
- Relationship Intimacy
- the consensual sharing of deeply personal information. Intimates reveal themselves to one another, care deeply about one another, and are comfortable in close proximity. (Britannica)
- Intimacy occurs between two people where there is a jointly-agreed priority of desire to draw closer together – to deeply connect – through mutual vulnerability and sharing of facts, feelings, and understanding, fueled by empathy and compassion.13
- Showing a close union or combination of elements. (dictionary.com)
- Marital Intimacy – This study identified four necessary marital intimacy factors: 1. The principle of reciprocity. 2. Meeting a partner’s temperament needs. 3. An altruistic approach to marriage. 4. Possession of the character of Christ.
- Reciprocity – The author defines reciprocity as putting forth equal effort in relational factors (love, servitude, nurture, compassion). Other definitions include:
- exchanging with another for mutual benefit
- mutual dependence, action, or influence
- behavior in which two people both give each other help and advantages
- give and take
- Temperament needs – The author uses a Biblical perspective drawing on Jeremiah 1:5 and Psalm 139:13 that reveals while in the womb, all humans are created by God, designed for a specific purpose, and blessed with specific inborn traits. These God designed specific inborn traits are what make up a person’s “temperament.” (Richard Arno, 2012) 2
- Altruistic Approach (in marriage) – Sacrificing one’s needs in the service of another’s needs. Considering relational needs before one’s needs. Self-sacrificing for the sake of another.
- Character of Christ – The character and attributes that Christ lived out on earth, including but not limited to: Godly, loving, patient, kind, faithful, wise, virtuous, empathetic, generous, grateful, self-controlled, sensitive, intuitive, just, loyal, orderly, responsible, tender, gracious, merciful, trustworthy, self-sufficient, relational, humble, meek, ethical, moral, reliable, servant, committed, forgiving, gentle, attentive, available, cautious, diligent, discerning, and enthusiastic.
- Willingness
- inclined or favorably disposed in mind: ready
- prompt to act or respond
- done or accepted by choice or without reluctance: voluntary
- relating to the will or power of choosing
- Perception
- the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses
- a belief or opinion based on how things seem
TAKE AWAY – One main key that unlocks the door to increased marital intimacy is both spouses willingly and intentionally sharing/listening/hearing/accepting their deep thoughts/feelings/needs with each other with Christ-like empathy and compassion in a way that balances caring for self versus spouse.
Stay tuned for part two of this article, full of action points!