Overcoming shame isolation begins with connection. As a Doxa therapist, Erin Bardoner offers a big sister’s compassionate approach to breaking free from shame’s grip though simple steps that rebuild your sense of belonging and worth.
Hi there!
Get comfortable, grab a coffee and your favorite blanket.
Let’s talk about shame—one of those feelings that’s so heavy it makes you want to curl up and disappear. You know the kind I’m talking about, right? That tightness in your chest, the heat creeping up your face, the urge to shrink into the smallest version of yourself. Shame has this way of convincing us that we’re all alone in our struggles, that no one else could possibly understand.
Here’s the thing, though: shame thrives in isolation. It feeds off silence and secrecy. And the more you let it sit there, tucked away in the quiet corners of your mind, the stronger it gets. But here’s the good news—you don’t have to carry it alone. You don’t even always have to talk about it because we all know shame exists. Still, you don’t have to fight this battle in silence.
I know that letting someone in can feel like the hardest thing in the world when shame has you in its grip. It might feel like standing in front of someone with all your wounds exposed, terrified of rejection or judgment. But trust me, taking that first step to let someone into your world is how you start taking back your power.
Now, I’m not saying you have to spill your guts to the first person who asks, “How are you?” That would be crazy, right? Trust issues, am I right? Let’s keep it simple. Let’s take baby steps.
Step One: Start with Hello
When shame tells you to isolate, push back in the smallest, gentlest way you can. Start with a “hello.” Maybe it’s the barista at the coffee shop, another student, or even the neighbor you’ve been meaning to wave to. Saying “hello” is like planting a little seed of connection, a reminder that you’re not invisible.
Step Two: Find Your Safe Person
You don’t need a crowd. You just need one safe person. This could be a friend, a family member, a therapist (hey, that’s what I’m here for), or anyone who makes you feel seen and heard. When you’re ready, let them in a little. Maybe it’s as small as saying, “I’ve been feeling off lately,” or, “Can I talk to you about something that’s kind of hard to talk about?”
Step Three: Allow the Light In
Shame can’t survive in the light. The moment you share a little piece of it, you’ll notice that it starts to lose some of its power. You might hear, “Me too,” or “I’ve felt that way before,” and suddenly, you’re reminded that you’re not alone. That connection? That’s the antidote to shame.
Step Four: Celebrate the Small Wins
Every time you take a step—no matter how small—you’re doing something brave. Be proud of that! I’m certainly proud of you for even reading this! Maybe today you just said hello. Maybe tomorrow you open up just a tiny bit more. Each step matters, and each step is bringing you closer to freedom from shame.
Shame wants you to believe that you’re unworthy of love and connection. It’s a liar! You are worthy, and you don’t have to face this alone. Letting people in doesn’t erase the pain completely, but it makes it so much easier to bear.
I’m here to remind you, as your big sister in this life thing, that you’re stronger than shame. Start small and know that you don’t have to take these steps perfectly. You just have to take them.
I’m rooting for you.
With love,
Your big sister therapist